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I am not that naive

Have you ever feel frustrated, anxious and depressed. You wanted to do so much but it will not gonna happen as fast as you want. You see yourself as an enemy to yourself. You wanted something and that’s that’s the only thing in the world can make you happy. Yes you smile but you still want something else. Something that you cannot have. You wanted to be selfish at the same time to be selfless. What can you do if you doesn’t have the capacity to build your own self.

I was thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend. I know long distance relationship is difficult and in fact one of the most painful thing. We both have to adjust. Time, patience, understanding, date nights and all the things we used to do when we were together.

Decision making was difficult. I really want him to go and build his future. To have his own career. Seeing him happy and successful makes me feel good at the same time breaking because I am not there. I wanted to support him no matter what he wants to do. I want him to be good at what he loves to do but why I am feeling so away from him? I was thinking, the more he become good at his job, the more I am proud of him but the consequence is the time. All the time that was for me suffered. It hurts because I miss him. Being on this situation is not good. Sometimes I just wanted him to give up because he’s the one who’s suffering when I was mad at him. It was for his future. I was thinking, it is better for him to go and be good at his career, so that, if we were no longer together, I will not blame myself for ruining his career. We are getting old and soon he will think about marriage and I am afraid I am not there anymore. Seeing him from the far side having a better future help me and him to live on separate ways. Sometimes I really want to be selfless but I can’t control to be selfish because I miss hime and if only we were together things would be somehow fine.

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