A two way street

I was sitting on a bench around the corner while snowing, I wonder profoundly about my life. I see people crossing the street and cars passing by. I wonder, how on Earth I came here? I answered my own question. I was here because I have purpose. I was here because I am capable of living and choose what to do.

While, sitting and wondering I looked at the sky and imagine all of my dreams. I smiled weirdly and thought about how to get it. Thinking about time and effort makes me feel crazy and lazy but I know I must pursue because I know it is a rewarding feeling to achieve my goals one by one.

I often ask myself silly questions and found the answer right in front of me or somewhere deep within me. It is a some kind of a two way street I can go here and there to get to the place that I want to go. Maybe there are some long haul drives of flights to go through but somewhere there, I know I can get there.

I felt chilly as the snow drops heavily with the wind. I wished that if only I could freeze time and get there without losing so much but life must go on and we can never go back just moving forward and aiming right with a clearer view.

-Anna

Void

Sometimes, feelings come out so fast. It doesn’t matter where it came from or why it happened. The torture underneath the skin and all the unsaid words keeps on cutting the heart into thinly slices. Try shovelling it under the frigid snow maybe, just maybe there are the answers. It was like faking a smile towards a stranger. No feelings. No records. Nothing at all. Spaces. Cosmos. Black hole. Universe. Dark. Lightyears. These only means one thing to me. Void. That void consumes the totality of my life. I have paths to take in but I have choices and routes and lots of detours. I am like an engine with empty fuel tank. No life. Nothing. I was eaten and slowly turning into a lone creature. Maybe. This life supposed be mine. I don’t know. We never know. My body just gave up on something you and I don’t know.

To all the people who thought they are alone and felt like giving up

Move Along

698

Let the world begin with something new. Something better. Just aim and cross every paths. Take every rough roads and keep on going for your trajectory to land is not the same old place. Keep your heart strong. Keep your life going. Do not stop looking. Do not stop with just thinking all the possibilities. Make it happen. You deserve something colorful in your life. Maybe you live in simple yet happy place at least you’re living your dream. Start to chase every butterfly you see. Fall in love infinitely. Be free. Be honest and be kind to anyone. You have to love every ships that passes unto your life. Stop wanting and thinking everything you could not have but never stop achieving; show what you could have. Stop worrying too much. Stop caring too much. Keep on moving and believing. Keep your aim locked. Keep all the memories settling in your heart and start new ones. Move on along with your heart forget all the things you thought it was for you but suddenly not. Forget all the pains you have. Endure all the struggles, just keep on living. Move along with your mind. Stay happy for it can heal you. Never stop. Never give up. Keep yourself surrounded with people who loved you most than chasing those people who wanted you out of their lives. Move along. Move on along. Keep your aim locked. You deserve to be happy because for all at once, you will only live once. You will only be young once. Make everything in your mind real. Your feet stay on the ground, your heart chases butterflies, your mind is moving. Keep on walking, Keep on flying but please do not run just move along.

Quote: “There is creative reading as well as creative writing.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

personal sign

Emotions, it can take away your sanity.

I am anxious with anything to everything these past few days and I could not help it. Maybe because I do not have anyone to talk to and to rant on to. I know I am strong to do things on my own. I am good at taking care of people especially the ones I love most. I indeed thought about the past and the future very much and continue to live in my present.

Do you know what I thought about “present”? For me, it is the most random thing that ever invented. It is full of surprises, excitements and setbacks. What I can do about that is to stay strong and be strategically cleared to what I need to push through. I have to set my mind and be a goal oriented person. At this moment, I am at the stage of following rules, staying at home, waiting, caring and making the most of my life with the ones I love. I know that there is no reason to hurry things because I have to slow down and look everything and record it in my mind.

Depression

Depressive episodes sometimes come to me and I could not avoid it. I must admit to myself that I feel, happy, loved, anxious, sad, obnoxious, free, excited, depressed, hurt, worried, confined, selfish, cared and more… but at the end I have to be with myself and stay sane enough for those people who loved me. I have to forget those people who were jealous and hate me for I have the right to love on my own.

I felt bad for myself for Google-ing some stuff (manic depression) and might brought me to insanity. I am bewildered with the past and the future made me felt like alone and nothing to the people whom I value the most but I am thankful for my best friend for stopping me to cross the line between sanity and insanity. I have to stay. I have to stay stronger now.

Learn

For those of you who are thinking of searching some psychiatric related things in Google. Better to look for someone to talk too like you mother,sister or best friend because they can help you that searching and be paranoid with the things you read.

Or, if you don’t have anyone. Try me. I could help you and lend you my ears and let’s start sharing things. Stay strong. Be brave enough to eliminate whatever monsters you have in your life. Stay with yourself.

Love,

Anna

ownsignature

No strings attached

Every single day in my life I realized that I am lucky. Lucky to be me and to have people who loves me for what I am. This past few weeks I admit that I am not able to post anything about what is happening to me. Now, I am writing. I guess I am ready to say what I feel.

These past few weeks I feel like I am useless, though I cannot show it to people who really concerned about me. I feel like useless because I am insecure and jealous with people whom I wish to be me. I know I am bad. I am not perfect. I feel guilt. I feel exhausted with things that people asked me to do. I feel frustrated with my dreams and actions.

I know that I am different with anyone else. I have few people who really believes in me. I am no one. I am just an invisible to anyone else’s eye.

I am not even sure with my plans. Whenever I choose to live for myself and decide for my own life there are factors that I always I need to consider and it create frustrations. People direct my life and sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. Sometimes I want to live free from criticisms and obligations but I couldn’t just escape from this life because I have responsibilities.

Don’t get me wrong with things that I said in this entry. What I wanted to say that for once I want to to chase my own dreams.

Now I know now why I am frustrated to become a pilot someday. It is because, I want to fly like a bird and I want to breathe.

I wished to have a life no strings attached.

LoveCareSmile,
Krisha