Sometimes, feelings come out so fast. It doesn’t matter where it came from or why it happened. The torture underneath the skin and all the unsaid words keeps on cutting the heart into thinly slices. Try shovelling it under the frigid snow maybe, just maybe there are the answers. It was like faking a smile towards a stranger. No feelings. No records. Nothing at all. Spaces. Cosmos. Black hole. Universe. Dark. Lightyears. These only means one thing to me. Void. That void consumes the totality of my life. I have paths to take in but I have choices and routes and lots of detours. I am like an engine with empty fuel tank. No life. Nothing. I was eaten and slowly turning into a lone creature. Maybe. This life supposed be mine. I don’t know. We never know. My body just gave up on something you and I don’t know.
“Now I am sitting here thinking it through”
It was like I feel I’ve been pushed away. It feels like different. I don’t know where to start, I am still looking at it. It was all in shades of grey I can’t find my way to go back and feel it again. It was like my heart is cracking up into pieces and any second it will stop and my body start to cold.
The feeling of jumping on a cliff and realized on the middle of it you still want to live and forget everything. The feeling of having a fight over a petty thing is not enough to crack your heart up. Crippled self, drowning in the rain of tears. In the short course of time, I’ll be in the farthest side of me.
Reaching me was like climbing a hill and build a home again. It does not mean I am over reacting on something but it was like a different person facing the same person. Doing such a great mistake to push someone away was really regretful, heart pounding days to take and a misery life to face and soon another day will come and sun will rise brighter than yesterday.
Every single day in my life I realized that I am lucky. Lucky to be me and to have people who loves me for what I am. This past few weeks I admit that I am not able to post anything about what is happening to me. Now, I am writing. I guess I am ready to say what I feel.
These past few weeks I feel like I am useless, though I cannot show it to people who really concerned about me. I feel like useless because I am insecure and jealous with people whom I wish to be me. I know I am bad. I am not perfect. I feel guilt. I feel exhausted with things that people asked me to do. I feel frustrated with my dreams and actions.
I know that I am different with anyone else. I have few people who really believes in me. I am no one. I am just an invisible to anyone else’s eye.
I am not even sure with my plans. Whenever I choose to live for myself and decide for my own life there are factors that I always I need to consider and it create frustrations. People direct my life and sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. Sometimes I want to live free from criticisms and obligations but I couldn’t just escape from this life because I have responsibilities.
Don’t get me wrong with things that I said in this entry. What I wanted to say that for once I want to to chase my own dreams.
Now I know now why I am frustrated to become a pilot someday. It is because, I want to fly like a bird and I want to breathe.
I wished to have a life no strings attached.
Weeks full of stressful days and now those weeks officially ended. Done with article exam and now I’m having my two days day-off (I’m waiting for this moment) I want to rest all day. I want to feel I am worry free human. stress makes me feel imprisoned on my own personality, It gives me so many reasons to give up and reasons to move on. Sometimes I feel so sick and tired. I want to jump into a cliff and be drop dead on any situations.
I need to read. I am not a born crammer but still I am cramming on so many things that I need to do.
I want to define Freedom.
I want to see those city lights. I want to fly. I want to shout my liberty. I want to create pictures in the skies. I want to feel freedom. I want to run from them. I want to go out and paint city walls with colors of freedom and full of heart creations.
I feel so suffocated and my personality has been abducted by time. I am in full of madness. I am wearing chains. I cannot move. I want to gain freedom. I want to feel frenzy.
Paintings. bright colors. daylight. sky. pictures. flowers.
I want to tell you something. tell that I want something to be painted in the wall of mine. Can you see those skies they are so blue. Hold these brushes isn’t it so nice? waving hand creates lines and patterns they comes from freedom.
Lets sleep together under the tree while the sun is overhauling it flares towards the surface of the earth.
Lets run! lets feel the cool breeze of rainy days. Pick flowers and smell it.
Hobby? Stress remover. abstract. Lets draw together and color the sky in different vibrant colors on paint palette. Lets use the sun, leaves, flowers, water and trees to come up with a beautiful life.
lets smile because frowning makes us feel old and older. Lets smile and laugh together with the sound of ocean reach us and like the infinity of universe that is undefined and measured. Lets feel the mystery of life. Lets love life for being sacred and simple.