Sometimes, feelings come out so fast. It doesn’t matter where it came from or why it happened. The torture underneath the skin and all the unsaid words keeps on cutting the heart into thinly slices. Try shovelling it under the frigid snow maybe, just maybe there are the answers. It was like faking a smile towards a stranger. No feelings. No records. Nothing at all. Spaces. Cosmos. Black hole. Universe. Dark. Lightyears. These only means one thing to me. Void. That void consumes the totality of my life. I have paths to take in but I have choices and routes and lots of detours. I am like an engine with empty fuel tank. No life. Nothing. I was eaten and slowly turning into a lone creature. Maybe. This life supposed be mine. I don’t know. We never know. My body just gave up on something you and I don’t know.
I am in a dilemma right now. I am torn into pieces of all the things that I want to do on my birthday, which is on Tuesday (09/24). I want a meaningful, great, quite peaceful and happy day. Though I am going to go to church first which ever decision I made.
First, I want to celebrate at home, cooked some for my family and stay at home where I can achieve a quite peaceful and great and happy day. I want to spend some time being completely happy with my love ones but my siblings have classes so, I am going to be alone at home with my father, kasambahay (house helper) and my other sibling. It might be just an ordinary day at home.
Second, I want to go out with my boy friend though he needs to go to work because it is a tuesday and he just started in his new job. I want to go watch movies, eat a lot of food and talk to him all day which is not boring for me. You know what, I can talk to him for long hours without being bored because I am just happy talking to my best friend / boy friend. I just want a date. I miss having date. If he needs to go to work on my day, it’s okay I understand that.
Third, go to Manila and find and meet some friends who are available to eat and chat with me. Maybe just maybe. I can catch up with a lot of them on a tuesday night after their work. My two girl friends, Rachel and Pauline are in school and busy doing stuff. Which automatically not available.
Fourth, if nothing will happen on my day, maybe I can go alone and treat myself and look back all the past 23 years I have been.
Reaching 23 years living and still kicking some butts is really hard. I know I am tough and will tougher than ever. I am just thankful that I have this kind of life. Whatever happens on that day, I am surely thankful that I am alive today.
I will always be the happy and smiling Anna that others usually says about me. Because a lot of people who knew me, describes me as a sun that can brighten up the room and I will still be that kind of person 23 years more and counting.
There is a formal reason of why you love somebody is to let yourself to be loved too. Considering that they can fully hurt you. We all believe that there are different types of relationships and each one is unique from the other. Maybe it have some things in common but at the end there are some bits and pieces that is unique to anyone else.
We could barely think about how a couple struggle, but one thing is for sure, “If they promised to work things out and if they love each other at a certain point they can do anything they want.” Even, moving mountains across the sea.
There’s no such thing as perfect love, true love or forever. If you just stop finding the right person and let God plan everything for your love. You will no longer chase the wrong ones. Although, sometimes God gave you the wrong one to learn from it so that when the He gave you the right one you can able to manage whatever life gave you, together.
If you love someone, you will do anything and when you do love someone you have to deal with the trials and surpass it together. As people says, “You will not stop wondering not until you try it”. Try to love. Try to risk things. Try to be hurt and cry. Try to scream at the top of your lungs. Try to be yourself. Try not to depend on others because some people throw rubbish at your back because they don’t know you at all.
There are times that people thought that the only people I have is them. They don’t know that besides them, I also create my own circles and those circles understand for who I am. They are the one who know better than them. I can talk shits and rainbows with them.
Circles can fully understand me. I love my days when I am with them. I felt like I am living and I am human. I am not creating a bubble but I am protecting myself from being hurt by the people who don’t understand me at all. I do not want to cry because of what they say about me. I know words are sharper than a knife and can tear me up into pieces but I allow them to do it to me.
I popped my bubble and let them enter my life again but they hurt me again. Every person that I love were being hurt by these people and I don’t wanna see another person crying because of them. First, I saw my mom cry because of them and now, My father. I don’t wanna see another love cry because of them. It is enough that I cry because they have thrown sharp words at me. I am putting my bubble up again.
When someone says, “we can do anything together and I will always keep holding on”. For a girl, she will hold on to it because she has the power on believing. When you said these phrases, you are creating a so-called, HOPE. Building a relationship strong is a major goal by providing trust and loyalty to each other.
We all know that relationships tend to not last forever and rarely find true love. No one is entitled to hurt a girl but only herself but she allows one person to either love and make her happy or hurt her and make her feel sad and alone. Some girls are no longer believe in love because they had suffered from a severe heartache and their hearts stopped from loving.
When I was in high school
At a certain part of my life I wished to have my own family to raise but on the other hand I have planned also to have a baby; just baby and no daddy. I just need a baby and I can live with it.
At the back of my mind, I have these goals to meet, a sort of bucket list to do in my entire life and I am soon to turn 23 and I am stock in here at home doing nothing. I want to do things and go on places that I want.
Moving out and about
When I am able to do things on my own and some penny on my pocket. I will do all I wanted. I will save up and work hard to reach my limit. For now, I am planning to study again while working. I wanted to reach my limit so that at age 26 I am a teacher and living my life.
This is the reason I do not want to have a family because I want to go to places on my own and reflect on my life. My childhood was already ruined. My adolescence age was merely ruined and my pre-adulthood
is almost but I am not going to allow to change my life. I will pursue one career path and live. I want a house, a car and a life of my own. That is love. If a guy love me he will meet me halfway and support me.
Love for all you have
To love someone is not hard but to forget someone and leave them behind is very hard. That is why I am afraid to love someone because I tend to be dependent unto them and it is difficult to let go.
That is why when a guy said to a girl, “we can do anything together and I will always keep holding on”. The guy gives hope and that hope is very strong to hold on to. Just one sentence but very strong one. I know everyone is not perfect and even girls have their own faults on why relationships didn’t lasts. God created emotion which produces feelings and through that people created love and all its concepts.
Remember (girls and boys), No one is entitled to hurt you but only you unless you allow someone to do it.
I am anxious with anything to everything these past few days and I could not help it. Maybe because I do not have anyone to talk to and to rant on to. I know I am strong to do things on my own. I am good at taking care of people especially the ones I love most. I indeed thought about the past and the future very much and continue to live in my present.
Do you know what I thought about “present”? For me, it is the most random thing that ever invented. It is full of surprises, excitements and setbacks. What I can do about that is to stay strong and be strategically cleared to what I need to push through. I have to set my mind and be a goal oriented person. At this moment, I am at the stage of following rules, staying at home, waiting, caring and making the most of my life with the ones I love. I know that there is no reason to hurry things because I have to slow down and look everything and record it in my mind.
Depressive episodes sometimes come to me and I could not avoid it. I must admit to myself that I feel, happy, loved, anxious, sad, obnoxious, free, excited, depressed, hurt, worried, confined, selfish, cared and more… but at the end I have to be with myself and stay sane enough for those people who loved me. I have to forget those people who were jealous and hate me for I have the right to love on my own.
I felt bad for myself for Google-ing some stuff (manic depression) and might brought me to insanity. I am bewildered with the past and the future made me felt like alone and nothing to the people whom I value the most but I am thankful for my best friend for stopping me to cross the line between sanity and insanity. I have to stay. I have to stay stronger now.
For those of you who are thinking of searching some psychiatric related things in Google. Better to look for someone to talk too like you mother,sister or best friend because they can help you that searching and be paranoid with the things you read.
Or, if you don’t have anyone. Try me. I could help you and lend you my ears and let’s start sharing things. Stay strong. Be brave enough to eliminate whatever monsters you have in your life. Stay with yourself.