Ambivalence

I tried to save it
but that was the best of me
I can’t no longer push through
I love you so
this pain of separation killed the spark;
inside of me.

A two way street

I was sitting on a bench around the corner while snowing, I wonder profoundly about my life. I see people crossing the street and cars passing by. I wonder, how on Earth I came here? I answered my own question. I was here because I have purpose. I was here because I am capable of living and choose what to do.

While, sitting and wondering I looked at the sky and imagine all of my dreams. I smiled weirdly and thought about how to get it. Thinking about time and effort makes me feel crazy and lazy but I know I must pursue because I know it is a rewarding feeling to achieve my goals one by one.

I often ask myself silly questions and found the answer right in front of me or somewhere deep within me. It is a some kind of a two way street I can go here and there to get to the place that I want to go. Maybe there are some long haul drives of flights to go through but somewhere there, I know I can get there.

I felt chilly as the snow drops heavily with the wind. I wished that if only I could freeze time and get there without losing so much but life must go on and we can never go back just moving forward and aiming right with a clearer view.

-Anna

Panini Machine

Last night, we are so busy at work and I finished all my chores around 4 a.m. which rarely happened. I never had a chance to take a sit and eat my food. All I need is to finish everything because I don’t wanna hear anything from the morning shift (because they really like to complain about petty stuff). I hate whiners. I hate grumpy faces in the morning. Well, everything changed this morning as I am the one who had a grumpy face and I am just there standing and taking/making orders.

I lost myself while cleaning the Panini machine. The burned plate which I need to scrape, wash. dry and put a release (non-stick solution) and turn it on. I was so tired an all my energy were drained since I had my vaccines the other day. I thought, everything will be okay. I thought the orders will slow down a bit around 1 or 2 a.m. but I was wrong.

Plus, there is only two people who are on duty. Can you think of a way to pull everything in one night with just to people? Tell me, You need to clean two showcases (donut showcase), clean and stock everything at the sandwich bar, clean all the three counters plus the brewers and machines, clean the dining area and washrooms, make a soup and throw and clean all the expired goods. clean the freaking panini machine and do the dishes, stock up/ refill everything bit of thing. Tell me. Can two people do this? WHILE SERVING CUSTOMERS EVERY MINUTE. How can you able to finish? Then what? Morning shift will complain, “why you didn’t do this? Why you didn’t do that?” Are they still thinking? That there are only two people who works at midnight shift and receiving a salary SAME RATE with them and some people have bigger than us.

I don’t want to write this but I really lost myself with that freaking Panini machine and suddenly I realize, everything is unfair here. I thought why they are not wondering why there is no one who can stay in the midnight shift?

Vent it out

Did you ever felt so alone and depressed? So desperate and anxious about a person, thing, weather, phenomena or situation. Well, I am feeling it right now. I feel happy though ironically I am not. Since I was a kid, I constantly ask myself why life is so unfair to me. I even do everything yet it is not okay. I felt like, i lost eveything while doing everything. I feel so alone. No one understands me. I don’t even know who love me and all those people whom loving are not here with me. I want them right now but it can’t be. I am miles away from them. I want to cry while hugging them. I want to talk and spill everything out. Life is just unfair to me. Why? : (

Happy One: For the first time in forever

ALERT: Cheesy Overload!!

After my 2013 recap, here’s my post dedicated to my best friend, boyfriend, and brother in one because it’s our fourth anniversary and I am fully excited. We have been together this long and still strong. Time will come our relationship will be going on a higher level and I am positively hoping that we will make it! I am proud being her girlfriend and I am more proud of him too.

He is the best person I ever had. He is my strength and he is my sanity. Whenever I am losing all my hopes and feeling down, he is there to lift me up and cheer me up to make me smile. Sometimes, I get so jealous with those girls around him though I know that he is faithful to me and the only girls that he likes other than me are Hayley Williams and Jennifer Lawrence. HaHa!

His humor and his laughs stays on my mind for long. I love talking to him and learn a lot. He is more intelligent than me when it comes to facts. He easily gets tired and gets so grumpy. When he is hungry he gets grumpy too! haha! that’s the time when I love teasing him. haha!

I think I am making him more look like an ideal guy, ha! People might say, I can only say this because I am blind for the reason that I am in love with him. I have known him for so long.

He is a lovable person. We have been best friends since June 1997 because we ride the same school service, then we became classmates in elementary then remain best friends. I know who are his exes and he knows mine too. Sometimes, I tease him over other girls. haha!

My Message

In the last four years, we have survived trials. From simple quarrels to huge issues that keeps on coming back. We have learned how to hold on and love one another. I know you are faithful to me and so I am. I know that we will make this last and we will do anything and solve every problem together, hand in hand. As I look back from the photos we have shared for the past years, I just realized how much we grow together. Time passed by rapidly and we know relationships are not measured by time, years or any measuring tools available in your toolbox and hardware stores but it is felt by two people, who selflessly loving each other.

We both belong in the work force now. We do have different career paths and we meet other people and create affiliations. That’s all okay because we need to make a living for our future family. We have to save money for the things we want and to make our plans transpires. I wish that we could achieve each of our dreams and become successful with what we do. I wished that we could do more adventures together, eat every food in the world, go travel city by city. We will build a nice home and we will put so much love in it. I have lots of high hopes for our relationship. No one can devour our relationship if we choose to be faithful to each other and put GOD and “us” in whatever we do. I am motivated by you. I am determined to work hard for us. I will do my best my dear for our relationship and for our family. Loyalty, happiness, communication, friendship, understanding and love are the main ingredients of our relationship. NEVER GIVE UP. HOLD ON and NEVER EVER LET ME GO.

Sometimes, we almost give up on each other and I am afraid of it. I am afraid to lose you. We have been always carried away by our emotions especially, anger, sadness and jealousy. However, always remember what we have learned from Hachiko movie we watch, “No matter how mad or angry you are, always remember you love each other and think of the happy times you have shared and will do in the future”, From these we will hold on and let the sea calm itself after the storm. Problems are meant to be solve by facing it not by quitting, retreating or giving up.

Always, remember how many times we are tested. Keep the faith and lets look forward together. I will hold you. You are such a wonderful person that’s God has given me. I am lucky to found my other half in you. I am always thankful that you always choose me over other things. I am grateful that instead you are having a nice drinking session or party, you choose me. You exchange good times with your friends for me. That’s why sometimes, I felt so guilty because you always choose to be with me but then, I am still thankful. I have no words to say further on how lucky I am since, I met you and fell in love with you. I am more proud to say to anyone that you are my boyfriend and if the good heavens favor us, you’ll be my husband and will be the father of my children.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY DEAR!!! I am always here with you. I am here to support and love you unconditionally. Sorry if I am always moody and paranoid. Sorry if we fight over the same issues. I am just overly protective because I might lose you and I won’t let it happen. Thank you for your undying patience and you always there to love me and crazily do things with me. I love you to the moon and back honey. I am always be your best friend, girlfriend sister, soulmate and wife.

Thank you for everything! I am always yours.

I wanna share some photos of ours in the past year (2013): 

RANDOM AND HAPPY MOMENTS WITH MY EJAY! :)

HAPPY MOMENTS WITH MY EJAY! :) <3

 

OKAY! I warned you before reading this post but you read it anyway. So, thank you for giving me you at least five minutes of your time reading this cheesy overload post of mine. :)

Always,
Anna