Have you ever feel frustrated, anxious and depressed. You wanted to do so much but it will not gonna happen as fast as you want. You see yourself as an enemy to yourself. You wanted something and that’s that’s the only thing in the world can make you happy. Yes you smile but you still want something else. Something that you cannot have. You wanted to be selfish at the same time to be selfless. What can you do if you doesn’t have the capacity to build your own self.
I was thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend. I know long distance relationship is difficult and in fact one of the most painful thing. We both have to adjust. Time, patience, understanding, date nights and all the things we used to do when we were together.
Decision making was difficult. I really want him to go and build his future. To have his own career. Seeing him happy and successful makes me feel good at the same time breaking because I am not there. I wanted to support him no matter what he wants to do. I want him to be good at what he loves to do but why I am feeling so away from him? I was thinking, the more he become good at his job, the more I am proud of him but the consequence is the time. All the time that was for me suffered. It hurts because I miss him. Being on this situation is not good. Sometimes I just wanted him to give up because he’s the one who’s suffering when I was mad at him. It was for his future. I was thinking, it is better for him to go and be good at his career, so that, if we were no longer together, I will not blame myself for ruining his career. We are getting old and soon he will think about marriage and I am afraid I am not there anymore. Seeing him from the far side having a better future help me and him to live on separate ways. Sometimes I really want to be selfless but I can’t control to be selfish because I miss hime and if only we were together things would be somehow fine.
I was alone here in my room when I asked myself if I am happy. I told myself, “yes I am!”. I browsed all the photos of me as I looked back. All those smiles in every pictures were all real and I have seen my heart. I wished that I could smile again like in those photographs.
I thought I am happy but I am not. I want to see my heart again and I want to feel happy and complete the same feeling back when I am so broke yet contented with the life I have. Unlike right now, I have money but I do not have my heart.
I tried to save it
but that was the best of me
I can’t no longer push through
I love you so
this pain of separation killed the spark;
inside of me.
I was sitting on a bench around the corner while snowing, I wonder profoundly about my life. I see people crossing the street and cars passing by. I wonder, how on Earth I came here? I answered my own question. I was here because I have purpose. I was here because I am capable of living and choose what to do.
While, sitting and wondering I looked at the sky and imagine all of my dreams. I smiled weirdly and thought about how to get it. Thinking about time and effort makes me feel crazy and lazy but I know I must pursue because I know it is a rewarding feeling to achieve my goals one by one.
I often ask myself silly questions and found the answer right in front of me or somewhere deep within me. It is a some kind of a two way street I can go here and there to get to the place that I want to go. Maybe there are some long haul drives of flights to go through but somewhere there, I know I can get there.
I felt chilly as the snow drops heavily with the wind. I wished that if only I could freeze time and get there without losing so much but life must go on and we can never go back just moving forward and aiming right with a clearer view.
Last night, we are so busy at work and I finished all my chores around 4 a.m. which rarely happened. I never had a chance to take a sit and eat my food. All I need is to finish everything because I don’t wanna hear anything from the morning shift (because they really like to complain about petty stuff). I hate whiners. I hate grumpy faces in the morning. Well, everything changed this morning as I am the one who had a grumpy face and I am just there standing and taking/making orders.
I lost myself while cleaning the Panini machine. The burned plate which I need to scrape, wash. dry and put a release (non-stick solution) and turn it on. I was so tired an all my energy were drained since I had my vaccines the other day. I thought, everything will be okay. I thought the orders will slow down a bit around 1 or 2 a.m. but I was wrong.
Plus, there is only two people who are on duty. Can you think of a way to pull everything in one night with just to people? Tell me, You need to clean two showcases (donut showcase), clean and stock everything at the sandwich bar, clean all the three counters plus the brewers and machines, clean the dining area and washrooms, make a soup and throw and clean all the expired goods. clean the freaking panini machine and do the dishes, stock up/ refill everything bit of thing. Tell me. Can two people do this? WHILE SERVING CUSTOMERS EVERY MINUTE. How can you able to finish? Then what? Morning shift will complain, “why you didn’t do this? Why you didn’t do that?” Are they still thinking? That there are only two people who works at midnight shift and receiving a salary SAME RATE with them and some people have bigger than us.
I don’t want to write this but I really lost myself with that freaking Panini machine and suddenly I realize, everything is unfair here. I thought why they are not wondering why there is no one who can stay in the midnight shift?
Sometimes, feelings come out so fast. It doesn’t matter where it came from or why it happened. The torture underneath the skin and all the unsaid words keeps on cutting the heart into thinly slices. Try shovelling it under the frigid snow maybe, just maybe there are the answers. It was like faking a smile towards a stranger. No feelings. No records. Nothing at all. Spaces. Cosmos. Black hole. Universe. Dark. Lightyears. These only means one thing to me. Void. That void consumes the totality of my life. I have paths to take in but I have choices and routes and lots of detours. I am like an engine with empty fuel tank. No life. Nothing. I was eaten and slowly turning into a lone creature. Maybe. This life supposed be mine. I don’t know. We never know. My body just gave up on something you and I don’t know.
Did you ever felt so alone and depressed? So desperate and anxious about a person, thing, weather, phenomena or situation. Well, I am feeling it right now. I feel happy though ironically I am not. Since I was a kid, I constantly ask myself why life is so unfair to me. I even do everything yet it is not okay. I felt like, i lost eveything while doing everything. I feel so alone. No one understands me. I don’t even know who love me and all those people whom loving are not here with me. I want them right now but it can’t be. I am miles away from them. I want to cry while hugging them. I want to talk and spill everything out. Life is just unfair to me. Why? : (