I punched the wall and now…

Alright, last Saturday at dawn I was still awake and I don’t know why. I think I do have anxiety disorders that makes me feel so bad and that feeling bothers other people.

I was on the phone with my boyfriend that night, it is around 2 a.m. and raining! We are on a fight and it really sucks every time that I am talking to him and hung-up.

We are talking over a fight (it been three days and still we’re arguing) and then I suddenly punched the wall many times until I felt some numbness, and then, I cried and hung-up the phone.

I don’t know what my boyfriend was saying that time. It was all blurred. All I know is I am angry and I am to pissed off.

My left hand

At first, I don’t feel anything. I never thought that I could have bruises. I went down stairs to check it and I found out it was bleeding.

I thought I crooked my bones because it starts to really hurt. I wash my hand in it is painful. It sucked in the cold. I knew I am not okay that time. Not only my hand hurts but also my whole left arm.

Punching the wall

I am so crazy enough to punch the wall and cry. I never regret what I did. I could not explain myself through words and in the level of my anxiety I just want to throw something or like what I did, I punched the wall.

What hurts most

My left arm hurts especially its cold. I never told anyone about it and my sibling never noticed it and asked what happened to my hand.

Bruises and pains go away but the aching heart is hard to recover. No matter how many happy movies I watched and fun times I’ve spent I will still remain unlike the bruises and pains that gradually slips away and never get back again.

Emotions was real big part of a person and if it was damaged the personality of a person will be lost.

Me

I am a happy person. I smile to people whom I loved and from those experiences that makes me feel sad or traumatic it will be kept and snuggled up in my aching heart. I am not a perfect person but the point that I am a person who can make things happen.

I could give advice to others but I could not give myself a simple thoughtful advice to fix something. I am blessed with those people around me that never give me a reason to punch a wall.

“There are some phrases from you that I will never ever forget because it’s really hurts than my left hand.”

Oh God I wish it wasn’t me

“They say there’s always someone in a relationship who loves more, Oh God I wish it wasn’t me”. -Samantha Andrews (If Only movie)

The movie of Jennifer Love-Hewitt moved me but still it makes me sad. The quote above was from the movie. It is the one that Samantha wrote in her notebook. Some people wrote on their blogs about the movie and they quote the ending part where Ian (Samantha’s Boyfriend) say his feeling for her.

The movie was so sad yet meaningful, especially, when it comes about “time”. The time that every couple must have in their relationship. A relationship will work even if it is a long distance one when there is “Time” devoted. there should be a “Me Time”. Work and Everything will come after.

Oh God I wish it wasn’t me

It is really so hard to face something that you’re afraid of like, “breaking-up”. It hurts deeply when someone break your heart. Moving on is a two-syllable word that can easily be said but hard to be one.

No one can say when it will come to an end but be thankful and live fully until it lasts. No one will be so ready to face that you have fallen deeply to that person and he/she never give equally.

You just have to regret something like saying, “I wish I wasn’t fallen deeply”

I need you like a heartbeat

It hurts more when you see him/her walking away from you. It can kill you while watching them packed their things and moved out.

The ring that you used to wear will be no longer important. It will the be worn again. The anniversary dates will easily passes by and it will no longer belong to important date to remember every year.

His/her birthdays will always be a big sigh and that sigh is a silent message for him/her delivered by the winds.

Nothing could be more special to a person than to be loved.

How to save a life -The Fray

“They say there’s always someone in a relationship who loves more”

You are a lucky guy/girl if you are loved by a person so much. It will give his/her life for you to saved. Sometimes, those kind of people are very rare and you are really lucky if you have one.

Time to talk about

I have watched two movies today in Youtube. First, “If  Only” it is a melodramatic movie and it put me on tears. Second, “Honey, We shrunk ourselves” a happy movie and can keep me laughing.

From serious to happy movie is a good therapy for me. Especially, I am in a cold state because of a man whom I love so much and he driven me crazy now and then. He never failed to make me mad at him because of his simple conversations with me. I think we are not going to far and I am gonna call out! I am mad at the same time I am sad.

“They say there’s always someone in a relationship who loves more, Oh God I wish it wasn’t me”. -Samantha Andrews (If Only movie)

Him

I always pray to God two things about myself that I wanna  have. those are the graces of “Understanding” and “Patience”. I have learned from my “Marriage and Family” course subject in college that a continuous prayer about giving graces can be granted but not immediately. I am trying. To the point that I make myself blind with everything or just be so numb.

I could not help it but sometimes there will be a point that I am “I could not tolerate it”. I admit that I always picked fights but those fights will not be fights without him igniting it.

Me

When I am not in the mood, I am silent and I am in the corner. I know that if I will say anything he will get mad at me and it will goes on and on and on. He will not talk to me and never give a damn to see me if I am still alive.

I know I am crazy and a real moody person especially when I feel “not important” to anybody.

To anyone who I am not attached I easily get away and forget them. I could leave their lives easily in a snap, but when those people whom I really love most make me feel that, I could not stay away from it. I cannot help it but to be silent and cool down unless they triggered me to talk and talk and talk.

Jealousy

Among women or even men  get jealous though it depends on how they manage it. I am a territorial person sometimes. I only pick some but not everyone.

I am a loquacious person especially when I am mad. I talk loud when I am on fire and I fight when I am mad. I put a man down when I have to.

There is nothing to be jealous about. The only thing  annoys me is that I need a “ME time” even not everyday but at least I would feel I am important to a person that equally important to me.

Relationship

Between me and him every thing is beautiful especially when I feel loved. One thing that kills me every time is the fact that I am feeling sad or mad without a reason or if there is a reason it is a very petty reason.

I always thought about many things. I always talk to myself alone. My relationship to myself is a good one. I do not want to lose any thread of hope.

I do not easily give up on relationships. The only way to break myself in to a relationship is to feel pain or a great madness to a person. And when that happened, expect me that I will never turn back again. I will never look back again for a reason of the intense feeling that pushes me to wipe all the love and only hate will remain.

I am not a quitter in a relationship. It might kill me or beat me to death, still I am going for it. For it is the only thing that keeps me alive.

kids today

Kids always hear from the older ones this line,

“when we were kids we used to go fishing, gardening, wash our own clothes, eat vegetables sometimes no meat”

and even this phrase,

“We don’t have computers that is why we spend our time outside doing sports. Back then we courtship was hard then now? it is just text away then you have a girl/boy right away”.

In late 80’s children wants to play outside with the native sports and make friends as in a real interaction. They even got bruises while they play and while practicing on how to ride a bike, skateboard or even roller blades.

In adolescence stage, they have a crush on a cheer leader a band geek or a math and science genius secretly and asking a prom date was too formal. Courtship was too serious and everyone court the girl at home. So that they get to know the parents and the other family members.

WHILE…

Kids today,

There are relevant advantages of having computers but a bothering part for building childhood memories.  They were exposed to modern technology like, computers, cellular phones, touch pads, and other kinds of machinery. They got to play inside their home alone and make fun time alone. Computer games make children feel happy even without friends.

They don’t bother if they did not go outside and play some sports that sometimes can lead to obesity and weakening of the body because they lack of physical exercises.

Social Networking sites, cannot prove that they are popular because they have many friends and followers. Bullying moved to a second stage, “Cyber Bullying”. For parents, It is pretty bothering when their child was bullied in the web because they feel expose to everyone but then sometimes their are really good things in the net but dominated by the not-so good stuffs.

In their adolescence stage they act like an adult people, courting were just few texts ways to make the girl say, “yes”. Hooking-up and meeting at the bars at night. Getting in a relationship without any hesitation. breaking-up was so easy.

Only advice?

Make our children play and capture pictures from their mind with a nice and simple childhood. Make them a God-fearing child. Don’t control them too much but do ground them with examples from others and make them realize if it is good or bad. Through that you may have save your child from losing their childhood even if they were so grown-up.

Tell me if you agree. It’s my pleasure to hear your side. :)

Acne solution: Free from breakouts!

Since my college years I always experience breakouts on my face and it killed me on every photo that I have those days and sometimes I use some photo editing skills to us the invisibility magic of it. :-)

I have used many anti-acne products to prevent breakouts but it is not consistent and I feel the chemicals on my face. Considering my facial skin is highly sensitive.

I have used the Acne Kit product of “Flawless”, It helped me and I liked it but it is very expensive and tedious to work on everyday. I even undergone some Acne facials in “Flawless” clinic. It gave me a blemish free face but on my observation whenever I forgot to put on the advised toner for a.m. and p.m. my face starts to have small breakouts.

 Since, that product is so expensive that I could not afford to buy the kit every now and then I opted to look for other means of prevention.

I have searched a number of online advice before I jump into another product and I am assuring that it is effective, cheaper and not that harmful for my face.

So, my friend told me something that she recommended to her brother. She advice me to use Eskinol facial cleanser every evening or anytime of the day considering that I am not going to be exposed to the sun for a long time

She even asked me to put some anti-bacterial formulation on it, I bought Clyndamycin (generic name): Dalacin-C (brand name). I pour it in the solution and shake it well.

I tried Eskinol when I was in high school, that is why I believed that it is effective but for the additional formula was still unknown.

For the facial wash that I really need to have before I put the Eskinol with anti-bacterial formula. I have seen my friend using Lactacyd blue on her face. I asked her if it is effective then she said, “yes” :-)

I think about it, if I am going to use it until I think of something. Babies use Lactacyd blue and they have sensitive skins, therefore, I can use it too since I have a sensitive facial skin.

I am using it for two months or so and I am experiencing a luxurious benefits! At first, there is no improvements but after two weeks, my pores starts to minimize and then my acne dried up. The blemishes comes after the pimple clearing stage. Just continue using those formula and get a clearer and pimple free face! :-)

Now, I am happy about it! I am BREAKOUT FREE for months!